Yeah, the Virus Outside is Frightful….

Not A Recent Selfie - As Far As You Know.

…but the naps are so delightful.

So since we’ve no place to go (minus the grocery store and gas station).…

Just read this post instead.

I know it doesn’t rhyme, but what could I include that is three syllables and rhymes with “snow?” All I can think of is “Shoeless Joe” and that’s for summer baseball season, not the holidays.

So forgive my lack of lyrical creativity and give this post a try instead – maybe I’ll do better in long form. You’re already indoors and on your computer / device, so why fight it? Take this time and shave even more minutes off your life until your turn comes to dance the Covid Vaccine Two-Step, with each step a mere three weeks apart.

Granted, that appointment is probably a ways off for those of us who are (blessedly) healthy, so that means more weeks of what we have been tired of doing since this mess all started – distancing, isolating, canceling vacation plans, and now staying at (and in) home for the holidays.

Which, as we all know, sucks. You don’t need another article harping on that.

So let’s go another direction. Though it is awfully difficult to find a silver lining around this Fartcloud In An Elevator situation, we at least now have an “end” in sight as far as a vaccine goes. That’s worth feeling excited – or at least relieved – about. That means that we just have to barrel through a holiday season like this once; in later years, we will say at holiday gatherings, “oh, man, at least it’s not like 2020, right? Jeeeeeez, that sucked. Now hand me another beer / martini / piece of cheese / hunk of that beefstick stuff no one admits they love but really do / slice of pie.”

At the risk of appearing Pollyannaish (which on a certain level I do not consider an insult, btw), I have compiled a list of the twelve things that Covid: The Holiday Special is showcasing that might be sorta GOOD, or at least enough Not Crappy to get us by. Each of these will follow with something else of that same number that you can do instead (think the Twelve Days of Christmas song here as a general guide). We will start at the end of the line:

12. No Bad Work Holiday Parties This Year. If you are part of a couple, it’s even better – you get spared two of them. Neither of which you really wanted to go to, right? I mean we can all talk ourselves into them depending on 1) location – how cool it is and how far away is it in traffic, 2) food involved, 3) degree to which drinks are paid for by someone else, and 4)…..what else, really? Unless there is a high-stakes bingo game where the winner gets everyone else’s Christmas bonus. Then you go, because you always wanted to put in that pool like Clark Griswald.

So instead of work parties, you can supplement with twelve of your favorite holiday / feel good movies. That means a lot more hours burned to get you closer to Vaccine Day, which really is the name of the game right now. We are running out the clock.

If you need help, here’s my list as a starter kit:

Elf (I watch the Put the Star on Top of the Tree scene on a loop every year).

A Christmas Story (we all know That Kid who we could get to stick his tongue on a frozen flagpole, don’t we? Oh, Fudge.)

Die Hard (yep – it’s a holiday movie for me. I recently commissioned my nephew to build a Lego Nakatomi Plaza advent calendar with twenty-four floors so Hans Gruber can plummet one floor a day until he hits the pavement the day Jesus arrives)

It’s a Wonderful Life (break into two parts – one angel wing per night)

Miracle on 34th Street (the 1994 one – just for the scene with the little deaf girl. Now you know why).

Love Actually (because London. And British accents that just make things look and sound cooler, even though they say, “Happy Christmas.” And a whole bunch of now famous actors / actresses who weren’t back then. And Hugh Grant as both the British Prime Minister and the older brother to Emma Thompson, who herself is married to Severus Snape yet is somehow bestest buddies with Liam Neeson before he meets Claudia Schiffer. Bloody hell).

Christmas Vacation (for anything with Cousin Eddie in it. Pixie Dust Spreader on a Tilt-A-Whirl)

The Star Wars Holiday Special (because Star Wars. BAD Star Wars. So Bad It’s Good Star Wars).

Cast Away (not a holiday movie exactly – though it starts during the holidays - but one that always puts things in perspective. Tom Hanks had a really bad year – four actually - then miraculously came home to blaaaaaaaaaaaargh. But he gets a cool new start at the end. Now that I think about it, you could put just about any Tom Hanks movie on this list. A Tom Hanks movie marathon at the holidays….SOLD.)

Home Alone and Home Alone 2: Lost in New York (same movie, two different places. Still watch them back to back every year. Marv screaming is the best).

Pick Any Hallmark Holiday Movie Because They Are All the Same (Seriously. They all have the Accomplished But Lonely Professional Woman who, after a break up with Big City Jerk Boyfriend, travels to / moves to / gets lost and winds up in a small country town and literally bumps into the local Misunderstood Country Guy Who Fixes Things And Donates His Time to Good Causes – with a Great Dog with a one syllable name like Gus or Chet or Hank - who is completely Zen Balanced in Life yet is Afraid to Love Again because he once had Country Jerk Girlfriend do to him what Big City Jerk Boyfriend did to her, and once they get over their initial dislike / distrust of each other and have an accidental run in at the supermarket / church / library they end up having coffee for hours and fall in love during an Epic Christmas Carol Montage, a love that is then shortly threatened by Big City Jerk and Country Jerk Girlfriend showing up to take one more run at “saving” the relationship before there is some random Divine Intervention involving a Star overhead or a mysterious gift and the Two Jerks go away and the Two New Christmas Loves from City and Country Sit Under the Tree, Happily Ever After like they are a Christmas Relationship Miracle Ying-Yang But Without the Taoist Part Because That’s Not Christmasy. And the dog is Awesome Cute the entire time because that’s what he does. The End).

Actually, I just saved you two hours with that paragraph….and right now my Mom is so mad at me.

[Editor’s Short Note: The remaining eleven entries won’t be nearly as long as that one. You will not lose your entire day here.]

11) No Shockingly Bad School Pageants – tons of time saved NOT making costumes, NOT losing another night to something else holiday related, NOT having to hold your camera up and pretend it’s fun so the other parents don’t think you suck, and NOT having to lie to your kid that they were awesome when they were actually The Kid Who Can’t Hold A Note in a Bucket But Sings The Loudest. And you shouldn’t lie to your kids. Santa says so. Instead, make eleven different types of holiday cookies. Sugar, snickerdoodle, ginger molasses….ummm. If that’s too much work, try for eleven different shapes. And remember, if you cut the head off of an angel shaped cookie you can make a Baby Yoda.

10) No Carolers At Your Door – this is the Covid-Christmas-Don’t-Cross-The-Streams-Like-In-Ghostbusters No-No, the worst super spreader holiday tradition possibility of 2020. Instead, stay home and cue up ten old-school holiday crooners, starting with Sinatra and ending with that guy who played Gomer Pyle. In case you want to go more traditional, try this one for starters.

9) No Secret Santa’s – none of that hunting for a gift for the coworker you don’t really know that well and worry that without the right gift things will be awkward for a few months, and though you shouldn’t really care too much about it, you end up sweating at night wondering if that guy who got the window seated desk space you wanted will like the toothbrush cover you knitted for him. Or if you can pawn off that Elvis Presley Trivia Game you got from last year’s Secret Santa. So instead, try Honest Santa. Get nine coworker names together, ask each other directly what you all want, and then get it. No surprises, just the anticipation of getting exactly what you want and not gnashing teeth over how your coworker will react. Everyone’s happy. Of course, if you want to go all out on doing Secret Santa for people in need, you can click away on that to your heart’s content. SEND SEND SEND. Do nine of them. All from home, Shhhhh Santa.

8) No Awkward Mistletoe Fails – this one is personally scarring. I’ve got at least three memorable Mistletoe Shoot Downs in my life, so bad that I haven’t attempted one since my mid-20s, even times when I know I could have and been just fine. This is me being vulnerable, folks. There are few things worse socially than the stiff-arm block under the dangling parasitic strand - as if that’s not a warning by itself - when trying to kiss your crush under something that sucks the life out of its host (look it up - it’s a real-life Little Shop of Horrors plant for other plants). So instead of risking the Beet Red Walk Away Of Shame, send out eight virtual kisses to those people you can’t be with this year who really deserve a kiss from you. Or use all eight on those you are trapped - sorry, “isolating” - with. Whatever works. 

7) No Need to Put Out the Fruitcake your Aunt Mabel sent because Aunt Mabel ain’t coming over this year (now I will make my Mom happy again by saying that I LOVE her fruitcake. I really do). Instead, you can put out seven things you actually like that you never eat the rest of the year because it’s too expensive / unhealthy / addicting. My choices would be a giant Kaukauna cheese ball, the aforementioned beefstick, a box of Crunch Berries, a box of Pop Tarts (with butter?!), a massive grilled cheese sandwich, a cannister of Slim Jim’s, and at least two boxes of Dark Chocolate Covered Cherries. My stomach growled and turned over just from writing that.

6) No Chance of an Accidental Home Alone Situation – No child left behind for the holidays, because we are all Home Alone together. So instead (besides watching those movies), set up your own home obstacle courses with at least six potential pitfalls. Or, better yet, plan how you’d booby trap your own house from the Wet Bandits. No hurt in being prepared, scouts. 

5) No Standing Through Endless Lines at the Mall / Grocery Store – If you plan it right, that is. Whether you feed the Amazon Monster or go through local businesses, the options for online ordering and shipping are now ubiquitous and endless. Just about anything can be delivered safely to your door now, and by ordering your groceries you’re helping stores and drivers make money in really tough times. So instead of wasting that time (estimated conservatively at about 5 hours for the holiday season), take that time and do ALL fun stuff. Doesn’t matter what – read a favorite book, Zoom drink with your idiot college friends, binge watch the entire series of Fleabag, whatever. Just make sure those hours are yours.

4) No Need to Send Christmas Cards – I can hear many of you gasping in horror, but admit it – underneath that shock is at least a little bit of relief, right? Talk about saving time and effort. And you’re going green! Look, we are all used to pasting pictures of our families all over social media now – I have seen thousands of photos of entire families coping with online schooling, for example – so we already know what everyone looks like right about now, and likely can guess how they are doing (read: just like the rest of us – sweating it all out). So, this year, shelve the card building / picture taking / writing / stuffing / addressing / stamping / mailing and just post four different holiday-themed family pictures – that should cover the primary emotional states of Covid: The Holiday Special. Might as well go all in. For myself, maybe I’ll do the three monkeys thing – See No Evil, Hear No Evil, and Speak No Evil – and then add in a middle finger for 2020. That’ll cover my year. 

3) No Need to Spend on Fancy Christmas Eve Outfits – I always found the huge contrast between fashion norms on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day to be hilarious; dress to the nines for Christmas Eve dinner and church, then slob around in pajamas the next morning while climbing over empty boxes and strewn trash. It’s like going from being Bond (James Bond) to The Dude in less than twelve hours. This year, with most places of worship shut down or very limited in seating, just Do The Dude from the very beginning of your celebration. You just need three things – a bathrobe, fuzzy slippers, and sunglasses. If the entire house does it, your fancy dinner will still be that, just more comfortable and less stressful if something spills. Revel in it. Roll around in it. Sit back with a cigar and a cold beverage and appreciate how the Christmas tree skirt really brings the room together. And if you don’t understand that reference, add The Big Lebowski to your holiday viewing. If you dare. After the kids go to bed.

2) No Fear of Arriving Late to Church and Having to Squeeze Into the Pews Next To Those People You Don’t Really Know, Or Worse, Don’t Like – see: places of worship are closed. So do two things instead; Go The Dude and watch the livestream should you so desire, and add in a mashup of a least one of these earlier things as you do – mute the livestream when they do a Christmas carol you don’t really like and cue up one by Tony Bennett, sample all eleven varieties of Christmas cookies during the sermon, and even give the youngest person in your house three gifts when they retell the Christmas Story. I’m joking, of course – make all the kids wait until the next day. Otherwise they’ll never go to sleep, right Mom? And before you get mad at me, what parents haven’t taken bags of snacks and toys and little prizes like gum and candy to church to keep the kids settled? C’mon - I’m not reaching THAT far. 

[Editor’s Note: I can verify JDK was not struck by lightning after writing that paragraph. The day ain’t over yet, though...]

1) No Major Hangover Between Christmas and New Years (minus literal ones if that’s how you roll or if you did it by “accident”) since both will be pretty much indoors and locked down. This means more time to rest up and prep for ushering this Kobiyashi Maru Year out the door less than a week after The Dude Christmas. That’s all we need to do instead – reflect. Take some time finding what was good in the year, as weird as that sounds. My guess is there will be plenty, despite all that has gone wrong and all the grief and tension that has been hanging on us for months. For my part, I will be making one giant gratitude list, then add an extensive 2021 bucket list next to it. I will spend significant time thinking about - and sharing as best I can - the grief of all who have lost loved ones this year, and rededicate myself to doing my part to not add any more to the total. 

Then, it is On Like Donkey Kong, y’all.  Bring on Vaccine Day.

Maybe eventually, knowing that we took time to remember why we were so blessed before Covid, and maybe even during Covid in some ways, will help us not take things for granted so much after Covid.

Just an idea. It can be that way if we choose it. 

So to recap! (Sing along, now) “For my ten minutes of reading, JDK gave to me…”

Twelve feel good movies

Eleven types of cookies

Ten old time crooners

Nine happy colleagues

Eight no risk kisses

Seven gut bomb goodies

Six risky house traps

Five HOURS FOR MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!

Four family shots

Three Dude’s Duds

Two church time treats….

……………………………………………………….AND AN END TO THIS DUMPSTER FIRE YEAR!!!

Not too bad a tally for ten minutes of your time, if I do say so (thirty minutes if you checked out all the links - just kidding. I think). Thanks for playing (and singing) along. See you again this Sunday morning. 

Chins Up, Everyone.